By Marti Grahl
It takes no time at all for people to see humor in my name… Marti Grahl. Say it out loud. Get it? Like Mardi Gras, the holiday? I married into that memorable moniker nearly 35 years ago, but it is especially ironic as I was known as “Marti with the Party” long before. Even earlier, when I was young and used my full given name, kids called me “Moutha” instead of “Martha,” and nearly every report card or teacher’s note promised I would be an even better student if only I didn’t talk quite so much. It was no surprise that I became a theater and music performer with my Grammy or Academy Award acceptance speech at the ready, just in case. For as far back as I can remember, I wanted to have a place of value - to be known completely and treasured for all that I was - and showing off all that importance was my ticket to get to that value. Needless to say, it wasn’t a plan that worked very well.
Like many people, I knew I had wounds from my childhood that transferred into my actions and attitudes as a teenager and as an adult. I had been a Christian most of my life and began to pursue the things of the Holy Spirit while in college. I was trapped in a selfish arrogance of performance and measuring up, yet trying to mature into grace and wisdom. I just wished it wasn’t all so… messily visible. While everyone else perceived me as outgoing, talkative, and confident, I felt alone. I was in my thirties and forties as a wife and mom of four, worship leader and teacher - someone who looked to be in control, running a business, organizing and leading people and events, having it all together… but I knew the truth of my abandonment, brokenness, and loneliness. I was all too aware that my empty confidence hung in tension with great insecurity, hating myself, and questioning the real worth of my identity and abilities.
For years, I felt that God mostly tolerated me so that He could use the gifts I had. It was easy for me to connect with Him when I was ministering to others, but in my quiet times - just me and just God - I rarely felt any heart attachment or affection from Him. I didn’t have much to say myself, either… everything just seemed OFF. My prayers boiled down to, “I wish I could be myself completely without God getting bored and tired of me.” What lies I believed, thinking that my loud voice and strong personality were as irritating to God as they were to me. As I entered my fifties, I was weary and done. I figured no one would ever truly know the depths of my heart because when I was quiet enough to look within, there just wasn’t much there to share.
In 2017, I had my first ConnectUp session, and I released to Father God the fatigue of that cycle and the pain of wanting to be truly known and accepted. I was done performing, for others, for myself, and for God. During that session, a wall came down between me and Father God. It wasn’t very high at all, and it simply blew it away so I could step over where it had been. No more separation, no more fear, no more division. I can’t tell you how many times I went back and re-read the notes from that session… the words of acceptance and love that I heard from my heavenly Father were precious to me. It was okay for me to be quiet in order to discover who I was in God, not just because other people were telling me to settle down. What a different motivation to be restful and listening, and I began to learn what parts of me were real and which were only an outer shell of performance.
In 2018, another session focused on reconnecting with Jesus as a brother who WANTED to spend time with me. I hadn’t had close siblings or very intimate family relationships, so I had transferred those distant connections onto God. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable and intimate. As I forgave family members and friends, my connections to Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit grew deeper. A highlight of that weekend is that I experienced a physical healing that I knew was related to the healing in my heart.
As I stepped closer to God in intimacy, I released my fear of being known. Instead, I spent time with Holy Spirit, becoming quiet and still. Then I explored my voice in new ways, learning to share my heart more succinctly and gently. I developed a couple of close friendships, without putting on any sort of show or trying to prove anything. My husband and I opened up deeply to one another in ways that have refreshed our marriage and ministry. While I felt done with being up front and center stage, I knew that I wanted to learn more about sharing this freedom with others and facilitating connections to God in ways that would bring release and wholeness like I’d experienced. I began to serve on the ConnectUp team, tapping into the way Jesus ministered to people… honoring them, connecting with them and with God, and empowering them to see opportunities for healing. In a full circle of redemption, I find myself in front of people more these days, sharing the heart of Jesus in ways that bring me more emotional and spiritual fulfillment than I have ever known. Now I see myself as God sees me, with gifts that help bring the atmosphere and presence of God into a room or situation… truly “Marti with the Party,” but the Party is the Presence of God!
Often the areas we struggle in most are the ones in which we have a gift or ministry. For me, it was about learning to be intimate, first with God and then with myself, in order to bring the intimacy of God’s Spirit to those around me with an honest and pure heart. As we become transparent before God, we forgive those who gave us skewed perspectives of who God is, and we find ourselves truly known by Him. Then we can see the areas in which we are strong, but perhaps the enemy has used those strengths in off-balanced, unhealthy ways. Instead of tossing those mishandled strengths aside by seeing them only in their negative light, we learn to walk in those gifts with the grace and power of the Holy Spirit on them so they can be a blessing to others. As I grow in this wisdom, I try to listen more than I speak, compared to when I simply chattered away because I had something to prove. On the other hand, out of the treasures of being known and intimate with God, I am able to share my heart with a Spirit-filled confidence.
What about you? Are there purposes for which you are created and areas in which you are gifted, but the enemy has corrupted them with lies? How can knowing God more intimately bring you to know yourself more deeply? What treasures are hiding in you, and how does God want to share those treasures with those around you?
Lord, you have searched me and known me… you are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know all about it, Lord. You have encircled me; you have placed your hand on me. Psalm 139:1, 4-5 CSB
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Marti Grahl finds healthy outlets for her voice today in her roles as an educator at her local community college and as the Event Coordinator for ConnectUp. She and her husband Chris lead Pathweavers, a ministry devoted to connecting believers to God and to one another as communities become awakened to what God is doing among them.
