By Natalie Zigarovich

“I need you to take up space. You’ve never been given permission to take up space. I give you permission to take up space. I need you to take up space.”

These life changing words were spoken to me by a now dear friend on the evening of December 7th, 2018 at Tomato Pie Cafe in Harrisburg, PA. I can tell you where we sat. I can tell you what I ate. I can tell you that we met at 5:30 pm. I still have the email where I reached out to this friend, whom I didn’t know too well, asking for a meeting. The purpose of the meeting was that I was trying to make sense of the previous seven years of my life and the majority of my twenties, where I had been told conflicting things again and again. 

“You take up too much space. You are a great writer. You are a burden to me and my family. You are humble. You are prideful. You are doing too much. I’m so proud of you. You aren’t doing enough. You are lazy. You are doing so well. You are acting too happy. This is a serious moment, stop being so goofy. You are a liar. Dress nicer. Stop bringing your water bottle everywhere, it’s too noisy. Stop trying to get attention from people by having migraines. You are so valuable. You are dishonoring me. You are funny. You are coarse jesting, Ephesians 5 says not to do that. I need to separate from you. I need something from you, can you help me?”

Do you feel dizzy after reading these conflicting statements? Have you ever experienced something like this yourself? There is hope and healing for those who suffer from the trauma of spiritual abuse.

You are not the problem.

Would I ever experience happiness? Why did I keep messing up? Why was I told I had a Jezebel spirit again and again? Why did it keep sticking to me like gum on your shoe on a hot summer day? No matter how many hours I laid on my floor crying and sincerely repenting, I just couldn't seem to get it right.

The first time a friend suggested that I had experienced spiritual abuse, I checked out. I thought, no, you don’t understand, I am the problem. Everything is my fault, can’t you see? The first time that I talked about my experiences, I thought that I was dishonoring the person who abused me. I thought I would be punished for it, but I had to get it off my chest. I’m dead either way, so I might as well talk about it with someone.

From the moment that I first shared with someone, my healing journey began. I began my journey to become a person that deserved a seat at the table instead of under it, a person that deserved a meal instead of scraps, a person that deserved to be seen instead of hidden, a person that deserved to be heard instead of hushed. I realized that I was not the problem.

What is spiritual abuse?

What I experienced for all of those years was something called spiritual abuse, which according to WebMD is this: Any attempt to exert power and control over someone using religion, faith, or beliefs can be spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse can happen within a religious organization or a personal relationship.

Spiritual and emotional abuse can cause much damage to a person. I recently listened to a podcast from Dr. Caroline Leaf where she talked about a study that was done on people's brains and that physical and emotional pain showed up very similarly in the way they affect us. Something that is emotionally happening to us can affect the parts of the brain that manage physical pain. Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me is a phrase we should probably toss out. Spiritual abuse is real, and can be the cause of deep trauma in someone’s life.

How do you recognize spiritual abuse?

Disagreement = Dishonor. A person or group will say that disagreement or not doing what they say is dishonor. Instead of choosing to honor, it will become a requirement. Dishonor will be made to seem like one of the biggest sins you can commit. This is a fear tactic to control a person and keep them closer to the abuser. This is not true honor. True honor comes out of our relationship with Jesus and sees the value of the other person. True honor does not require you to protect the other person at any cost, or that the other person could do no wrong. It celebrates truth.

Love bombing. This is an attempt to win over or influence someone through the act of affection. It can be a tactic of abusers to get you to trust them. Love bombing can come in the form of over-the-top gifts, compliments, non-stop texts, trying to convince you that you are meant to be together, etc. It’s important to note that this tactic takes the sting out of the other not-so-obvious abusive tactics. It makes the one being love bombed feel like it’s not all bad, which can lead to a cycle of staying in unhealthy situations. Good abusers know how to use this technique to keep you in their vice.

Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. You may witness something and when you try to bring it up to the person, they will make you feel like you made it up. Everything you say gets turned and dumped back on you. You are the problem. This may cause you to start to question reality and lose trust in yourself and the ways Jesus speaks to you.

Control and manipulation. This is a desire by the person or group to control every aspect of your life. This may include anything from the clothes you wear, to asking you to leave your water bottle behind because it’s too noisy, to who you can be friends with, and every other small detail of your life. There may also be accusations that you are the controlling and manipulative one. You will be marked unsafe which, in a backwards way, causes more loyalty to the abuser because it makes it seem like they are the one who knows you best and they become your moral compass. If you are in right standing with them then you truly believe that you are in an okay place. In reality, that place is in the grip of their control.

Isolation. To expand on the above, a big marker of spiritual abuse is that the person/group will try to isolate you. They will criticize your friends. They will criticize the whole world. Anyone you try to get close with other than this person will become public enemy #1 for your abuser. Eventually they will separate you from anyone good that comes into your life. The goal is to get you to remain 100% loyal to them. It is important to know that loyalty that is demanded is not loyalty. It is dangerous. We were never meant to only be in relationship with one person, but as followers of Jesus, the whole family of God.

Sleep deprivation. This may seem specific, but tired people don’t have as much strength or capacity to know what is going on or fight back. You are worthy of a full night’s sleep and rest. If a person or organization is consuming so much of your time that you are not able to sleep for a full night, put a boundary in place.

Using the Bible against you. Spiritually abusive people and groups will often use the Bible against you. For example, I mentioned above that I was accused of having a Jezebel spirit. If you’re not familiar with this, Jezebel is referenced in 1 and 2 Kings as well as Revelation. Although the term “Jezebel Spirit” isn’t in the Bible, it is often associated with someone who is controlling, manipulative, and domineering. When I was accused of having this, I was told that Jezebel wants to kill the prophet (meaning the person I was abused by), and that is the purpose of Jezebel. Other passages in the Bible can also be twisted to manipulate a person in numerous ways.

Have you ever been in a situation where you experienced these things? Maybe you watched someone else walk through something like this, knowing something was wrong, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. There is hope. Jesus offers healing to those who have suffered from spiritual abuse.

How do you heal from spiritual abuse? 

Turn around and walk the other way. In my experience, when you have this level of abuse, there is not a good way to talk to them about it. I believe that Jesus can open blind eyes, but I don’t believe you have to stay in an abusive relationship until that happens. When someone is abusing people in this manner, it most likely is not that they accidentally slid into abusive behavior. It is more likely that they made a series of decisions that slowly led them to the way they are behaving now. You are a powerful person, and you can choose to walk away.

Connect with Jesus. I remember sitting in a conference where a friend was sharing his own story of abuse and healing. I remember sitting there asking Jesus to speak to me about my situation. He said, “Natalie, you are worthy of justice.” I immediately closed the notes app where I was writing what I was hearing, and thought to myself, absolutely not, this cannot be you Jesus. It is me, wanting justice, wanting revenge. But again, He said to me that I was worthy of justice. When an injustice is done to someone, Jesus is not blind to it. He sees it. Vengeance belongs to Him, not us. It is through connection with Jesus that your deepest needs will be met in a satisfactory way. Turn to Jesus.

Choose to forgive. Forgiveness will set you free from torment. Forgiveness is not saying what the person did is okay. It is stepping off the throne of judgement, and letting Jesus sit there instead. There are many books and teachings on forgiveness. A great resource is Forgiveness by Rodney Hogue. Sometimes forgiveness is experienced in layers. Seventy times seven is what Jesus instructed us to do, as many times and as often as we need to. Also, forgive yourself. Release yourself from any shame or guilt from having been in the situation you were in. 

Release your need for reconciliation. Forgiveness, and all the other healing you experience, may not lead to reconciliation with the abuser(s). Reconciliation first requires a true repentant heart. Even then, Jesus may not have you reconnect with the person for the long haul. This is okay. You can trust Jesus to lead you to the right group of people to do life with.

Trust yourself. This is often one of the hardest aspects of healing from spiritual abuse, as many times, you were made to question your reality. I think as you get distance from an abuser, and through time, you will start to see that gut feelings and inclinations you had were true. They may have been twisted and thrown back at you, but the things you saw and experienced were real. If you have a hard time trusting yourself, keep turning to Jesus. You are most yourself when you are with Him. Even if you have to ask Him questions on a minute by minute basis, do it. He will answer you. Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3

Get emotional healing and counseling. Something that has been integral for me is receiving ConnectUp prayer ministry sessions, many of them. A huge part of my healing was having people that could help facilitate conversations with me and God. Also, it is important to state that it may be beneficial to seek professional counseling at the same time. There is absolutely no shame in that. Reach out. You deserve to be well supported in this courageous process.

Find your people. I was so blessed to have gone from a situation where I was in an emotional prison for seven years to instantly being in the tallest tower of the biggest palace you could ever imagine. God literally delivered me to people who started, and still to this day, refer to me as Queen Natalie. At first, I was uncomfortable, but then I realized that I was surrounded by other Kings and Queens and that everyone is worthy of taking up space. I observed this group of people, the people who make up ConnectUp, from a distance for a long time, even crying at times, because I thought what they were doing was the highest call someone could ever have, and that I would always be too defective to be a part of it. But here I am, Queen Natalie, in the very middle, getting to have my hands in some of the most amazing things, getting to walk with some of the most amazing people. Something that was instrumental for me was being told, “We don’t care about what you can do, we care about who you are. We do not use the people to build the ministry, we use the ministry to build the people.” These are my people.

Embrace the Journey. I have been out from under this abusive situation for a few years. I have encountered God in so many ways since my first year of being free. And, I will continue to encounter God. God is patient. He is kind. And, He will walk with you every step unto full redemption. Embrace the journey. Time can be beautiful when it is in the hands of God. Trust the process. Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. Psalm 130:7

There is hope! 

I want to say that you are worthy of a seat at the table instead of under it. You are worthy of a meal, not the scraps. You were made to be seen, not hidden. You were made to be heard, not silenced. You are a king. You are a queen. You were made to take up space. 

If you have experienced spiritual abuse of any kind, I want you to know first and foremost that everything will be okay. I want you to know how brave you are, and that there is hope and a future for you. You are more than what you have experienced. Your story matters. Your healing matters. Your relationship with the Father matters. I want you to know that the Father is proud of you, no matter where you are in your journey. I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. I want you to know that Jesus has more, more, infinitely more for you. 

It is never too late to hope again, to dream again, to live again. I validate the dreams that have been in your heart since you were young, and I want to encourage you to pursue your dreams with Jesus. There is an "other side" to spiritual abuse, an invitation to turn around and see Jesus waiting there for you, willing to be your best friend, the best friend you could ever ask for.