By Jay Baylor

I knew something was really wrong the day I woke up and did not want to get out of bed. I was exhausted. This was 2001, I was a Young Life Area director, leading at 4 successful high school clubs a week and coaching 30 leaders. I was also in seminary working on an MDiv, my wife was busy in her own career and my daughters were still babies. The ministry work was growing and exciting - kids were coming to the Lord for salvation and healing. I was energized by my studies in seminary. I loved being a dad and husband. But I was not just exhausted by the work. I realized that morning that I was also depressed. I needed help.

I met with two wise and kind senior leaders in Young Life. They asked me, “Why are you tired?” “Why are you working so hard?” I answered, “Because that’s the job. This is what I’m supposed to do.” They asked, “Why?” “Why do you think this is how you have to live your life and do your job?”

Through some deeper questioning we arrived at a place that was a profound understanding for me. I was living and working this way because of how my heart had been wounded.

I’m the eldest son of an eldest son of a farming family in central Pennsylvania. My father was never promised the farm by his parents, even though he continued to work it day after day, year after year, while also teaching full time in our public high school. He had to earn the farm, every day. 

If I wanted to spend time with my dad after school, on Saturdays or through the summer I had to go to the farm and work with him. Of course, this wasn’t all bad- I learned a lot and my brothers and I had lots of fun on the farm. I still hold many fond memories of the farm as one of my favorite places to be. But the farm was also where my heart was deeply wounded. 

One memory stands out to me as formative. It was a hot summer day. I’m around ten years old and I want to swim in the pond or play in the creek. I’m standing on the pond bank with dad and grandpa and they’re talking about the work they have planned for the afternoon. I say I want to swim or play. My grandpa takes me by the bicep and gives me a squeeze and says, “You’re weak. You need to work more, not play.” My dad said nothing. So, I went to work.

That’s when I learned the lies that I wasn’t good enough and I had to work hard for approval and love. In my head, hard work produces results and results gave me value. In my work for Young Life, I was only as good as my last successful club. I was measured by every skit, song, game and message. The number of kids at club and going to camp had to increase every year. I believe God called me into ministry and I know he gifted me to be effective. But the pressure for continual growth and consistent success was too much. 

Change came in a few forms. First, I realized that I was trying to do the work of the kingdom in my own strength. I knew I needed the Holy Spirit to empower me. This is a whole different story, but the result is that I began to move in the power of the Holy Spirit and learned to lean in toward Jesus as I love and serve people, rather than rely solely on my own skills and abilities. I heard the message of the Father’s Love, learned my identity as a beloved son and discovered the mandate to partner with Jesus in bringing the goodness and rightness of heaven to earth. This changed everything about how I “did ministry”. Now I’m receiving the Father’s love and giving that love to others. I’m partnering with Jesus living life the “Jesus way” – healing the sick, casting out demons, feeding the hungry, declaring hope, with the Holy Spirit. The work of the ministry is no longer work. It feels much more like living life.

Second, the journey with Holy Spirit also connected me with Global Awakening where I found deliverance and emotional healing. This changed everything, again. I felt the Father’s love and affection for me. I heard Him tell me He was proud of me and pleased with me, just the way I am. Jesus and Holy Spirit began to help me write sermons and prepare teachings. They sat with me in counseling sessions and broke people out of bondage. They came with me out on the street where we saw miracle after miracle in healing and deliverance. 

I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I’m so glad I didn’t give up back in 2001. There have been many other times when I’ve wanted to quit, but when I come to my senses, it’s because I’ve slipped back into being hard on myself and caring too much about the metrics. So, I have to be careful to care for myself well.

Different kinds of care have been helpful for me over the years. I still seek out emotional healing and deliverance ministry at least a few times a year, more or less as a checkup. A few years ago, I visited a therapist for a couple months and I found this ministry very helpful to uncover ways this wound still needed healing and live a healthier life. My therapist recommended that I stop saying “Yes” to everything for at least three months. I could say, “No”, “Let me check my schedule” or “I have to ask my wife” as my first response to a request to speak or minister outside my main ministry focus. This was so helpful to give me space to check my priorities and availability and avoid saying “Yes” because that’s what everyone expected of me. I have also met with a spiritual director who asked me why I use so many numbers in my updates and annual reports for ministry. I had to confess this wound is still shaping how I measure myself. His counsel was that I consider not using numbers anymore to measure the impact of my work in ministry.

My prayer life is much more important to me now.  Way back in seminary I heard the quote from Martin Luther, “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.” I used to aspire to that. But now I actually experience the necessity of that much prayer, especially in the ministry of healing and freedom. I find so much connection with the Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit in asking for myself the simple questions we ask in our Connect Up sessions.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you have similar challenges or experiences? I want to encourage you that there is hope! Hopefully my testimony will encourage you in your healing journey to continue to seek out healing, ask for help, press into the Lord in prayer, and keep at the calling He has given you. There’s usually no quick fix for the wounds that form us early in life. Nor do those first wounds need to continue to control our present and future. From what the enemy meant to bring harm, God means to bring good for many. The Lord will often use you the most where you feel the weakest. The Lord can truly reach you where you are and redeem your past, bring peace to your present and send you empowered you into your future.